she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
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I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
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I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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