You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
