This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
