Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I touched a dick in church today
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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