how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
