is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
