a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
