My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Randomize
