she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
