I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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