took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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