Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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