A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
