sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
