Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
