I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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