Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
