I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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