I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
