OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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