She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
