i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
