i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
