This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
