I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
