I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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