I accidentally burped into my bong.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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