Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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