I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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