No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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