i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
