i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
