Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
