He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
