I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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