Need sex. Gaining weight.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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