hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
