theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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