I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
