I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
