I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
