hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.