Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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