Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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