also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
