sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
