my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
