Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she peed on how many people?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
