If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
