just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
