I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
