I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i think i just lost a toe
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