I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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