cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
