New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
