So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
