I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
