Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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