I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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