Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
