im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
