This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Shame - the story of my life.
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